Confessions
by joelscott
Summary: Sirius has a confession for Remus as they serve detention. R/R!
1. Chapter 1

AN: Obviously this is all JK's characters. Enjoy!

_Confessions_

The wind sweeps through my hair as I sit staring off into the dark sky. The moon was not quite full yet. That would be tomorrow. I have long been resigned to my fate. After ten years of seeing the moon rise into the sky and feeling the ripple of pain that accompanied the transformation, I had accepted it and learned to not dread it. It was what it was. I let my eyes gaze at the magnificent view that one gets from the Astronomy tower. It was, outside the library and my dorm, my favorite place at Hogwarts. It was above the usual din of my fellow students (most of the time anyway) and I have always been one to appreciate the bigger picture. Here I can look at the big picture; I can see the mountains and Hogsmeade and contemplate.

Now I am contemplating what one of my best friends had told me an hour ago. It had been a normal day…well at least as normal as it could be for my friends. Two successful pranks, one directed and Severus and another at Professor Kettleborn. Severus's hair and been turned a bright pink and Professor Kettleborn's fake hand had tapdanced away during class. The latter had earned the four of us a detention. Prongs and Wormtail spent it shoveling manure while Padfoot and I had tend to the baby unicorns.

"You know, they really are rather adorable." Sirius said as he knelt down to pet one of them. The unicorn gave Sirius a small lick on his hand and Sirius giggled like a school girl. "Yes Padfoot, we all know they are adorable. But we are not supposed to be petting them. Kettleborn will have our hides if we don't get this shit done." Sirius rolled his eyes and pulled himself up using my arm. In a pretentious voice with a face that some would have felt good for an undertaker to use, "See that is the difference between you and me. You are all business. I on the other hand take time to appreciate the finer things in life, such as cute little unicorn babies." He grabbed my hand (sending a strong shiver up my arm and into my spine and…other more private areas.) and lead me to one that was eating some grass. "Come on Mooney, just pet one. Even your icy heart will melt." Be brought me closer and stuck out my hand close to the unicorn. It looked up and smelled my hand. It let out a large cry of fear and took off as fast as its weak legs would allow it.

I look over to Sirius whose face is contorted in shock. I can't help but chuckle a little. "You forget Padfoot that it can smell my true nature. It thinks I'm going to have a yummy meal of cute baby unicorn stew." Sirius, still a little wide eyed nodded slowly. "Ah, yes, well, just because you smell like a dangerous and blood thirsty monster doesn't mean that is your true nature." I don't respond and continue to magic the new fence into place. After a few seconds a silence Sirius takes his place next to me and starts working with me. The silence lasts for a good ten minutes, which I don't think Sirius has ever allowed to happen. Finally, out of the corner of my eye I see him looking at me. "Sirius, if you are done with that section you can start on the one at the end." Sirius doesn't move, but lowers his head and sighs. "So, did you know that Samantha and I broke up after lunch?"

I shake my head. "No, I didn't." Privately I cheered. Samantha was a good girl and I considered her a friend. Before Ancient Runes (which none of the Marauders took) her and I would sit together and chat and it was always fun. When she and Sirius became Sirius I couldn't help but view her with anger…like she had somehow stolen my friend. Within a few weeks as I thought of why my sudden anger at her I had realized a horrible truth which I had suppressed for a while. I had always felt closer to Sirius and had always enjoyed his company more than the other individual marauders. I knew I had same-sex attractions. I didn't let this worry me much as regardless of orientation no one would or could give two shits about a werewolf, especially an ugly nerdy one.

"Are you wondering why I am telling you this now and not earlier?" I looked at Sirius and shrug my shoulders. "Because I'm your mate and they usually keep each other informed on this sort of thing." I wave my wand and a piece of wood settled itself into place on the fence. I saw Sirius rub his right hand through his hair. I see him take three deep breaths and lower his head. "No. That isn't it. I'm telling you because from what I understand your name is going to be dragged into it."

I cock mu head and give him a look. I am shocked to see how stressed he is. His head was hanging down and he seemed very interested in a few pebbles on the ground. This was all very un-Padfoot like. "Why on earth will my name be dragged into it? Did she realize the errors of her life and realized she was in love with me?" Sirius shifted uncomfortably. "No, that's not the reason. She thinks that I like someone else and she didn't approve." I want to roll my eyes and change the subject. I couldn't care less about which girl this week he was crushing on…well…I actually could care less…a lot less, it would make my life easier. But, being a good friend I feigned interest. "So, who does Samantha think the lucky person is?" There was a beat of silence before he answered. "She thinks it's you."

My gaze snapped from the fence to Sirius. He was no longer staring at the ground, now he stared at me. His face had a look of trepidation on it. Unsure exactly what to say or even think I chuckled dully. "Well, that's just silly and awkward." Sirius took a few steps to be just a hair away from me. "One would think so." I nodded, Sirius brought his lips to my ear and barely above a whisper said, "But one would be wrong." His closed the distance between us and lightly placed a kiss on my cheek.

Without thought, without full understanding what was happening, I felt the rush of blood, my skin turning beet red, I also suddenly felt myself turn, place my hands on his chest and pushed him away. This took him by surprise and he went backward, falling to the ground. The shock, pain, and anger were obvious on his face. "I don't know what you are playing at Black, but stop this now." Sirius, still on the ground glared at me. "I'm not playing at anything Lupin. She was right. I've known it for ages I was just too scared to do anything. She said she was going to tell the school and I figured you'd like to hear it from me. I also figured that since you weren't making a move, I would." He pulled himself up from the ground and looked at me. "Moony, I'm not blind and neither are you. I mean, look at us. What two guy friends sit on each other laps?" I interrupt him. "We only do that when there are no other chairs." He laughed bitterly. "That's utter rubbish and you know it. How many times have we done that when it's only the four of us in the common room? How many times do friends share a bed when one is having a nightmare and can't sleep? How many bloody guys do you know who lay their heads on each other shoulder and keep it there?"

I open my mouth to answer. It takes a few minutes as I think of ways to refute his questions…and I can't. I grasped widely for an explanation. "We are close friends, that's it. I'm not into you like that." Sirius took a step closer, he was getting red faced, his hands were balled up…the sign that his temper was about to break. "Close my arse. Prongs and Wormtail never do anything of that stuff to me nor I to them. Come on, you know you sound ridiculous right?" I started to respond when Professor Kettlebburn came through the thicket that surrounded the new fence. "Boys, that will be all. So help me mother of Merlin if my hand ever dances off again…" Kettleburn turned and stalked away muttering something that sounded like "Bloody kids…" and "Their mothers should be punished for bringing them into the world…"

Without a word or a look to Sirius, I started toward the castle, walking much faster than I would normally do. I could hear Sirius coming behind me. "Moony, don't ignore me." I walked all the more faster…"Remus John Lupin stop being a prat and listen to me." I broke into a full run. I was much faster than Sirius and I got to the castle a full 3 minutes before he would. That was plenty of time. Poking my way through a couple secret passages, I was at the common room in less than five minutes. I made my way into the dorm and pulled out my wand. "Accio Map!". The map zoomed out of James's trunk. I grabbed it and left the dorm. I made my way down the stairs into the common room, making a straight line for the fat lady. "Mooney! How was detention?" I cast a glance to my left and see James with a faltering smirk. Without a word to him I made my way to one of my favorite places.

I have been sitting here for almost an hour, just thinking. Why am I acting like a twelve year old girl? Why am I running away from a guy who I like and has now said he likes me? "Because it will never work." I think to myself. I knew Sirius's reputation among the ladies had been highly exaggerated, both by him and other girls. But he did have the habit of dating someone a week or so than moving on. If he did that to me…it would probably spell the end of the Marauders…and wasn't it better to simply be friends and not risk it? Plus, like the full moon and the transformation that followed, I had long ago accepted the idea of living my life alone. "I'm just broken goods" I mutter to myself. I pull out the map and my wand. Touching the latter to the former, "I solemnly swear I am up to no good." The map springs to life, a web of lines forming themselves into the map springs to life, a web of lines forming themselves into the castle. I let my eyes rove over the map. Dumbledore was walking around his office while it seemed McGonagall and Slughorn were sitting. Lily was in the library. I look to Gryffindor tower and see Sirius and peter in the dorm. I lean forward and study the map intently to find James. I find him…he's standing right behind me.


	2. Chapter 2: Broken

Chapter 2: Broken

"Can I help you Prongs?" I turn and see James leaning against the tower. He looks rather pissed off. I sigh deeply and ask again, "Prongs, what do you want?"He walks forward, sticking his hands in his pockets. "You know Remus, I've always considered you the kindest and most compassionate of the four of us. But I guess I was wrong." My eye brows rise in surprise. "Oh, what knocked me off the pedestal?" "Do you even have to ask? Seriously, Mooney, you are a bright lad. But right now you are either lying to yourself or to Padfoot, and I think it's the former, and that is what is making you a real bastard at the moment."

I stand up and point my finger at him. "James, this isn't any of your damn business so please just leave it alone." James shakes his head. "No, Remus, it is. You two are my best mates. We all know you like each other, mind you, you haven't even denied it. Sirius is trying to tell you he loves you and all you do it throw it back in his faith like he is garbage."

I close my eyes and breathe deeply. "It's not that simple. Yes, James, I like him. But there are too many problems with us being together. That's why I think it much more prudent to stay friends." James lowers himself to the ground, using the wall to prop his back up. "I don't think there are. Neither does he. Look, if you don't want to date him, that's your choice. What's pissing me off is that you lied right to his face."

I lower myself and sit next to him, drawing my legs to myself. "It was easier that way. I'd love to be with him but we both know with his reputation…we wouldn't last a month, than he would move on." I feel the truth of the statement start weighing on me…my stomach suddenly becomes very heavy. Barely a murmur, James says, "No, I don't think so." He shifts himself so he is facing. "Mooney, think about it. He's had feelings for you for the past two years, do you honestly think he will drop you so quickly. Why do you think he kept going from person to person? He told me he thought if he put as many people between you and him, the feelings would stop."

We sit silence for a few minutes. It seems like neither one of us honestly know what to say. "How serious do you this is?" I look to James and he shrugs. "I think it's very serious or he wouldn't have said anything. I also think it's serious because like I said, he tried to tell you how much he cared and you acted like anything he felt for you was worthless. I mean, Remus, it's been obvious to everyone for at least a year. Bloody hell, even Dumbledore once asked me if you two were a thing." My jaw drops…"What? Dumbledore? He…he asked?"

James nods. "Yeah, it was just after start of term. You laid your head on Sirius's shoulder during Dumbledore's speech and he asked me afterword's. He was actually kind of surprised you weren't. He figured you two had already, as he said, "Comes to terms with their evident attraction for one another that even Bladeforth the Blind would have seen." "When I told him know, you two hadn't he shook his head and sighed, he said, "Alas, what fools these mortals be." James chuckles at the memory and I can't help but join in.

A few minutes lapse in silence. The internal battle of what to do raging in my head. After ten minutes I sigh. "Well, if you go tell Sirius to come up here. I'll talk to him." James smiles brightly and jumps to his feet. "Good man! I knew you would come to sense." As he leaves he ruffles my hair with his hand.

Fear and dread star to fill every inch of my body. My hear gallops like I've been running for hours. In minutes I can feel the sweat rolling down my face. I work hard to breathe deeply and calm myself. All I had to do was tell him it couldn't happen. What we had to loose far outweighed any advantages us being a couple could entail. I mean, they did…right? This question bounces around my head.

If we got together there would be hell to pay. The Slytherians, Snape for sure, would be arses about it. I'm not sure how my parents would react. It might be slight shock that anyone would want me in that way. My parents had once outright asked me if I liked girls and I had given a rather non-committal response that probably confirmed their thoughts. Even if we kept it a secret, the truth would get out eventually. Secrets almost never last at Hogwarts. The fact I had not yet been outed as a werewolf shocked me. Only the Marauders ever figured out my monthly absence. Somehow every other student bought the lies I fed them. Plus, there was Sirius himself. He was everything I could want in a lover. He was smart, funny, caring, loyal, and bloody handsome as all get out. Yet, there was that tendency to change girlfriends like he changed underwear.

My thoughts hang on that problem. Would I be able to handle the anguish and the heart break? Yes, I probably could. But I knew that it would shatter the four of us. It would be so painful to see him with someone else after he had left me. The wind is becoming stronger, it was a warmer than normal April night and I liked the feeling the wind made as it played with my hair. I close my eyes and the image that my mind generated shocked and enthralled me. It was of Sirius, running his hands through my hair, his body pressed against mine…

NO! I tell myself. Don't think these thoughts. They will only get me into trouble and I know it. Yet, as much as my conscience protested, my mind would not stop. An image of Sirius and I cuddled together in bed, holding each other and whispering out love for one another. Lying next to the lake facing each other while slowly, as the sun fades in the distance; we lock our soft lips against each other...lying on the floor of the Shrieking Shack, both of us naked as he cradled my bruised body…

"NO!" I open my eyes as the words escape my mouth and the echo spreads through the grounds below me. I can feel tears starting to sting my eyes. This wasn't fair…something I want so desperately close yet I know too far away to ever have. I'm not worthy of anyone's love, especially the love of Sirius Black. Even if he would be faithful…I didn't deserve it. I am a monster. I could never have a normal life. Sirius often talked about how much he loved kids…obviously biology was against me there and even if we adopted….a child could not have a werewolf for a father. Even if we did stay together for the rest of our lives, how the bloody hell could I ask him to put himself in danger every full moon, even with his animagus form. How could I ask him to support me when I knew very well it would be next to impossible to find a job…I'm too broken for him…the truth of this hits my heart with a finality. "I can't be with him…I'm too broken." The words escape from my trembling lips.

"I am too, Mooney. Maybe we can fix each other." From behind me the words were spoken just loud enough to carry to my ears. I breathe deeply and try to wipe the tears from my eyes before I turn around. Before I can turn around I feel a warm and gentle hand on my shoulder. Looking up I see the smiling face of Sirius Black.


End file.
